Royal wedding souvenir posting (to cut out and keep)

28Apr11

To save you time tomorrow I have been scouring the media speculation about the royal wedding. Here is my balanced forecast of the highlights…

The weather will be cloudy and cool with a brisk north-easterly wind. There is a chance of a few rain showers. Umbrellas will generally be red, white and blue. Or black.

The bride’s dress will be almost white. This is deliberate, it is not because it is dirty or aged. The dress will reach below her knees, probably as far as the floor. Fashion expert opinion will be divided.

The media highlight of the wedding will be when the happy couple appear on the balcony at Buckingham Palace to exchange a kiss in front of an adoring crowd, which includes some baffled Chinese tourists. A moment later there will be a short flypast of the entire RAF.

The You Tube highlight of the wedding will be the moment before William says “I do”, when his mobile phone rings and Prince Harry smirks in the background.

Television rolling news commentators will run out of anything interesting to say after about 45 minutes. They will resort to reading Twitter comments and repeating each other before eventually falling silent and letting the pictures of crowds huddled under umbrellas speak for themselves.

Security will be tight.

The horses pulling the royal coach will not understand what all the fuss is about, but they enjoy being groomed.

At some point late in the evening, after the ceremony and the festivities, the bride will slump into an armchair, pull off her high heels and rub her feet. She will enjoy that moment a lot.

On Saturday it will be possible to buy a royal wedding souvenir mug at a reduced price.

There, that’s it. Now you can spend tomorrow relaxing. Perhaps you could go for a walk or ride a bike. The streets will be quiet, due to the absence of street parties.

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