Carpenter and son

26Jan12

OK, OK… in light of yesterday’s comments from so many knowledgeable people whose judgement I respect, I’m rethinking my door plans. I’ll look for a professional hangman (see Mrs R’s comment – I’ll show her).

I know that this will probably disappoint the silent majority who were hoping for another posting telling a sorry tale of poor craftsmanship and possible injury. I’m certainly disappointed that I won’t get the chance to write about my successful door hanging under the title “Well hung” (you have no idea how titles like that boost my traffic from search engines…).

Meanwhile I’ve used the time saved by not doing any carpentry in receiving a timely lesson in quantum physics from teenage son (although I should be careful in using the word ‘timely’ when talking about quantum physics). All I asked him was “what did you learn at school today?” He gave me a brief summary in which he demonstrated that I was simply a collection of fundamental particles, some of which are Strange and some are anti-Strange.

Then it struck me that most of what he learnt today had not even been discovered when I was at school. Much of it was simply theoretical and undemonstrated. That made me feel better – it is reassuring to know that you are ignorant because you were born too early, rather than being ignorant because you have forgotten what you were taught. As I get close to my fiftieth year I’m prepared to accept that I’ll never keep up.

Door hanging, on the other hand, has been known about for at least as long as there have been doors. In fact it is entirely possible that theoretical carpentry posited the possibility of door hanging even before doors were known to exist. That is how human knowledge develops.

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Door man

25Jan12

“Replacing a door is a project within the capabilities of most do-it-yourselfers…” was exactly what I was hoping to read when I clicked on the Google search result.

I wrote “replace back door” on my list of urgent household tasks last week, when I completed my work to adjust the base and edge of the exterior door to stop it sticking shut in wet weather. My enthusiastic use of a chisel and plane solved the stuck door problem, but may have caused other problems.

The web-site continued… “take care not to damage or disturb the door frame or trim…” I skimmed through the subsequent twenty-five paragraphs of detailed instructions. It seemed simple enough. In summary – take old door off, cut new door to same size as old door (a bit less perhaps, to avoid renewed sticking problem), screw old hinges to new door, fix new door in frame. I’m not sure why it needed so many words.

All I need to do now is find a new door. I have spotted an old metal and glass door in the front garden of a house down the road, but I’m not sure how I will cut it to the same size as the old door. I may have to look further afield.

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Sky lights

24Jan12

Did you see the Aurora Borealis last night?

No, neither did I. There were too many wind turbines obscuring the view I think.

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High wind news

22Jan12

I read today that the next generation of ‘super’ wind turbines could be one thousand feet high at their highest arc. The sweep of the blades would be eight hundred feet in diameter – bigger than the London Eye.

The monster turbines would be located offshore, which is where the wind is.

I imagine that they would be beautiful in the same way that an elegant bridge or soaring spire can catch the eye. They would certainly be more graceful than the gas platforms that I can see when I stand at the top of the cliffs above my local beach.

I live about six miles from the coast. My geometry isn’t brilliant, but I have just worked out that if an array of giant turbines was built five miles offshore at the nearest point to my home I would be able to see the tops of the blades – if my eyesight was better or if the tip of the blade carried a red light.

Even if such huge turbines don’t turn out to be environmentally worthwhile, they would make a fantastic art installation.

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Toast masters

19Jan12

Today I was working in an office which has a funky coffee bar and a kitchen-area with a microwave and a toaster. All offices should be like this. Many useful discussions are held whilst waiting for the kettle to boil, the microwave to ping or the toaster to pop.

After a smoke alarm incident, someone stuck a piece of paper to the wall with full instructions on use of the toaster. The instructions are over 250 words long. Using a toaster is quite a complex skill.

The British are the only people in the world who really know how to use a toaster. We have been able to learn our toasting skills from an early age. Britain is the only country in the world where almost every home has a toaster (Australia and New Zealand are close behind – but that is because all of their civilized habits like cricket, driving on the left and making toast are imported from the UK).

By the age of 18, British children are so skilled at toasting that they can cook entire meals using a two-slot Morphy Richards.

If you stay in a decent hotel anywhere in the world, you may find a toaster near the breakfast buffet. You will also find a small queue of bemused non-British guests trying to work out how to use it. You will also find that toasters in hotels very rarely work properly because they have been abused by guests trying to force entire baguettes or bowls of muesli into the slot or on to the conveyor belt.

All this happens because 423 years ago, someone realised that they needed something to put their marmalade on.

PS. The British skill at toasting is only matched by the Norwegian skill at waffle making. In a Norwegian hotel at breakfast you will find a small queue of British tourists trying to pour excessive amounts of batter into a sticky and smoky waffle iron and then opening it too early and finding their waffle is just a warm goo. The Norwegians arrive earlier, pour in just half a cupful of batter, wander off to get a cup of coffee and return to lift out a crisp waffle to go with their cloudberry jam (they never discovered marmalade, but they found North Sea oil instead).

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Civil oranges

16Jan12

Obviously I would like to write a long and amusing posting about my attempt to make marmalade. And I would like to tell you about the origins of marmalade. But I haven’t got time… because I have been too busy worrying about tax returns… and trying to get my gas supplier to stop trying to sell me ‘value added services’ and simply send me a bill for the gas I used and take payments proportional to the bill.. and trying to activate the new security mechanism on my internet bank account when it asks me for a 12-digit number for telephone banking which I have never had.

So you are never going to learn my theory that marmalade was invented because the Spanish fleet failed in their mission to transport the Duke of Parma’s army across the English Channel to invade England in 1588.

Philip II of Spain was so annoyed about the catastrophic mission of his Armada that he asked all his courtiers to think of ways to get revenge on the English.

Eventually one of them had the ingenious idea of shipping Spain’s winter oranges to England. All the Spaniards knew that oranges in January are horribly bitter and full of pips. They also knew that the English are desperate for vitamin C in winter and all they can grow are leeks and kale. They laughed out loud at the thought of all those English soldiers and sailors trying to eat the abundant bitter oranges.

The next January the demilitarised Spanish fleet transported bushels of oranges to English ports and sold them cheaply to the clamouring crowds who thronged at news of some fresh fruit. The crafty Spaniards told the gullible English that the oranges were called Marmalade, which is, of course, an anagram of El Armada.

Back in their damp hovels the English cooks tasted the exotic delicacy…

“That’s bit sharp,” one celebrity chef exclaimed, “but never mind, we can just add a bit of sugar” (the Spaniards didn’t know that sugar beet was the other staple winter crop in eastern England).

So the barrels of treacherous, bitter oranges were boiled up with plenty of crystallised sugar beet juice to make a pungent, sweet, orange-scented jelly with bits in. And the English tradition of marmalade on toast was born.

The Spanish never did succeed in conquering England.

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Tags: bitter oranges, philip ii of spain, spanish fleet, winter oranges

G spotter

12Jan12

There is a lot more interest in Comic Sans than I expected. My recent posting on the topic broke all viewing records*. Who would have imagined that more than one person a minute would be searching the internet with an interest in an –ography other than porn?

Typography is evidently very popular.

I have to confess that today I got distracted browsing sites specialising in different fonts and spacings. I was particularly interested to learn about the single-story and double-story g.

I remembered to clear the cache and delete my browsing history before Mrs R. got home.

*For this blog

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Predictive text 2

12Jan12

Ten days after my start of year predictions I’m pleased to say that my track record is looking good…

Yes – people in England are discussing Scottish independence.

Yes – I have still not managed to get any tickets for the Olympics.

Yes – the high winds in southern England did make the news.

Yes – I have failed to keep my New Year resolutions.

But the washing line is still working perfectly (there was a slight scare last week, but it had just got snagged by a tree branch) and the Euro is holding up.

However, I’ve still got some way to go as a futurologist. Forget Nostradamus, the latest soothsayer to admire is John Elfreth Watkins who, in 1900, successfully predicted mobile telephones, digital photography, global networks, digital music downloads and ready meals amongst other things (as reported by the BBC).

Sadly his predictions that “a university education will be free to every man and woman” and that all our electricity needs would be met by hydro power were wrong. And he didn’t say anything about washing lines.

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Font of all knowledge

10Jan12

I had to go out to a meeting and I was going to be late back, so I left the teenagers a note with instructions on what to eat (to minimise the risk of unrestricted fridge pillage).

I printed the note in bright red Comic Sans font because I knew that this would amuse and irritate teenage son. Since he started studying graphic design he has been particularly scathing about the inappropriate use of the Comic Sans font and the gratuitous use of colour in printed documents.  I have to respect his judgment on this because people now pay him to design documents and no one has ever paid me for my design skills or colour sense.

His judgment is backed up by a widespread body of internet opinion which opines that Comic Sans is fit for very little. It is certainly not considered fit for serious and important business communications.

Then I dashed off to my meeting. It had been billed as an important presentation on an important subject by an important representative from an important government department.

I was careful not to be late.

Moments before the presentation started I slipped into my seat and carefully picked up the printed copy of the powerpoint slides which had been placed there for my convenience.

The printed slides, topped with the logo of the important government department were all printed in… Comic Sans.

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Prevention is better than…

09Jan12

Today I came across the following story in a discussion about insurance in Australia.

On Christmas day my suburb in Melbourne got hit by hail and flooding. Being with [XYZ insurance company] for my car insurance I got an SMS from them 10 minutes before the hail hit, warning me of the impending hail and suggesting I garage my car….which I immediately did. My car was the only car on my street without hail damage.

And I thought “what a simple, but clever, innovation”. The technology to do this is freely available. It would take a few days to implement. It’s the sort of thing that makes customers happy and smug. It is cheap… and you wouldn’t have to save many cars from being written off before the development cost was covered.

But such innovations in the insurance industry are so rare that I think it is worth writing about. Why is innovation so unusual?

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